To Go or Not to Go?

The evening air was cool, but I began to sweat as I dialed the number. I could feel my pulse beating in my head as fear filled my heart. I didn’t know what the response on the other end of the phone was going to be, and as much as I wanted to, maybe it would be easier if I didn’t know. But I had to find out sometime. This was one of the first times that I really didn’t want to call home.

“Hello?”

“Hi, Mom, What did you guys find out?”

“Not good. The cancer has spread to Dad’s bones.”

My fears were confirmed. It was a little over a week after getting back to the Philippines from the States when I found out that Dad’s prostate cancer had spread to his bones. What was he going to do? How long did he have? Would I ever see him again? Should I go home early? Should I get a plane ticket right then? Questions saturated my mind and tears flooded my eyes.

The comfort of dear friends enveloped me like a warm blanket after I got off the phone. The assurance of Divine wisdom filled me with peace.

I didn’t make a decision right away; I wanted to know God’s will. Every morning found me on my secret rock by the water fall, drawing strength from the Water of Life. After much prayer and counsel from Godly friends, I made my decision.

I didn’t feel ready to leave; I had my mind set on being here until November. I felt like I was just getting to the point where I could actually have meaningful conversations with the people, where I was passing the point of acquaintance and building actual friendships. If I left, that would leave only Allie to run the clinic alone—a huge job. On the other hand, there is always going to be a mission field, but I will not always have my Dad. There is truly no man that I am closer to or have a deeper respect for. The doctors said that nothing would probably happen to him before November, but one never knows. I realized that for me to have quality time with my dad, it was important for me to go home early and work with him at home for part of the summer.

I will be coming home the end of July to spend time with my family. That will leave Allie for only a few weeks as the sole medical personnel in the mountains. That will give me time to wrap everything up here in Palawan and prepare myself for life in America. Fear, sorrow, anxiety, excitement, eagerness—my emotions are much jumbled. 

Things happen. Plans change. When I get to heaven and see the end from the beginning, I know that I will praise God for the way that He led in my life, and even though there are trials now, I can praise Him anyway. “When you can’t understand, when you can’t see His plan, when you can’t trace His hand, trust His heart.”